One of the most common and at the same time most difficult questions after IVF with donated eggs is: should we tell our child? Maybe you asked yourself this question during treatment. Maybe it came up the first time you held your child in your arms. Or maybe it arises today, as your daughter or son begins to ask the first questions about where babies come from.
The decision to undergo treatment with donated eggs is often the result of a long, emotionally challenging journey. Behind many stories are years of waiting, disappointment, treatments, hopes, and losses. When the longed-for child is finally born, parents wish for only one thing: to protect them and create a safe home.
And this is why the idea of talking about donated eggs can be so sensitive.
To tell or not to tell? Why experts now recommend openness
Until a few decades ago, it was common for parents not to talk about donated eggs or sperm at all. Today, however, professional recommendations look different.
For example, the guidelines from the American Society for Reproductive Medicine (ASRM) support open, age-appropriate communication with the child about how they were conceived. The reason is not ideological or moralizing. It is based on long-term psychological findings about trust, identity, and family relationships.
It is important to emphasize: this does not mean sitting down with the child for one big dramatic announcement.
The modern approach is based on gradually creating a family story that the child naturally knows from an early age. Psychologists sometimes call this the “always known approach,” where the child grows up with the information so naturally that they do not even remember the moment they “found out.”
Why secrecy can hurt more than the truth
When parents consider whether to tell their child, their motivation is almost always kind:
“We don’t want to confuse them.”
“We don’t want them to feel they aren’t ours.”
“We don’t want them to see us differently.”
These concerns make sense. Yet research consistently shows that the information itself about being conceived with donated eggs usually doesn’t harm children as much as the feeling that something important was kept secret for a long time.
Studies by psychologist Susan Golombok, who has spent decades researching families created through assisted reproduction, show that children who learn about their origins from an early age tend to have good relationships with their parents and generally integrate the information more naturally than children who learn it later or by chance.
But what if I’m afraid? Feeling unprepared is normal
You may feel resistance while reading. Certain sentences may cause tension. You may think:
“Rationally I understand… but emotionally I’m not ready yet.”
That’s okay. Much of the work does not begin with a conversation with the child. It begins with a conversation with yourself. For many parents, this involves a deeper layer, and this is where it is important to acknowledge:
You do not have to be perfectly “balanced” to be open. You do not need a perfect script. It is enough to gradually reach a point where you can talk about the topic without shame or panic. Because children are very sensitive to our tone. If they sense safety around the topic, they usually adopt it too.
When to start talking
Instead of one big conversation, psychologists increasingly recommend a gradual, natural, and repeated way of communicating. This may sound paradoxical. How can a small child understand something so complex?
The answer is simple: they don’t need to understand everything. It is enough for them to gradually build a basic sense:
“I know my story. At home, it’s okay to talk about it. It’s nothing strange or secret.”
Understanding comes in layers - similar to other big topics.
Children 2–5 years old: simple story, lots of love, minimal biology
At this age, children do not yet understand genetics or reproduction. They understand relationships, love, wishes, and help. Many parents find it helpful to turn the topic into a gentle story, repeated like a favorite bedtime tale.
For example:
“Once upon a time, there was a mommy and a daddy who really wanted a baby. They waited a long time and wished for it so much that a kind woman helped with a little gift—a tiny egg. Because of this, you could grow in mommy’s tummy and one day you were born. And from that moment, our world became completely bright.”
Children 5–8 years old: more concreteness, still simple language
At this stage, children start to understand that babies come about in a certain biological way. They may start asking:
“What is an egg?”
“Why didn’t you have your own?”
“Who was that lady?”
“Do I look like her?”
And here comes an important point: you don’t need a perfect answer.
“To make a baby, several things are needed. We needed help because mommy couldn’t use her own egg. A woman helped us by donating an egg, thanks to which you could be born.”
Experts recommend answering truthfully, but age-appropriately, while respecting the parents’ own boundaries. You do not need to have all the information or answers ready.
Older children and adolescents: space for deeper questions
As children grow, they often become more curious about identity, resemblance, or biological origin. Instead of a long lecture, openness is usually best:
“If you want, we can talk more about it. You can ask me anything.”
Or:
“It’s normal to be curious. We don’t have to deal with everything at once, but I am here and we can talk about it.”
Children often return to the same questions repeatedly. This does not mean you did something wrong, their understanding simply evolves with age.
You don’t have to do it alone
One recommendation is worth stating very openly: if you feel fear, uncertainty, or an emotional block, it is not shameful to seek support. This may be one of the greatest gifts you can give yourself and your child.
Professional societies in reproductive medicine long recommend psychological counseling around the topic of donation, not only before treatment but also during parenthood. The goal is not to “fix” parents, but to help them feel more confident, prepared, and emotionally safe when talking to their child.
A sense of safety, trust, and love
The decision to undergo IVF with donated eggs is often the result of a long and challenging journey full of courage, hope, and disappointment, and this journey speaks to the depth of parental love more than genetic information ever could. Parenthood is not created only by biology, but through daily care, presence, hugs, patience, and the relationship you build together every day.
And if you are ever unsure how to talk about these topics or need support on your journey, at Unica Clinic we are here for you with sensitivity and understanding at every step.